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It pains me to say that I am old enough to remember employment counselors telling people to use, “I’m a bit of a perfectionist” as a reply to the classic interview question about strengths. Thanks to work in the field of psychology and the writings of popular authors like Brene’ Brown, most of us now realize that the burning need to be perfect all the time can be destructive. While striving for perfection seems to be a laudable goal, in reality perfectionism gets out of control very quickly and can have some awful results.

The desire to always be perfect can lead to worry filled procrastination and a life full of unfinished projects. We all know deep inside that it’s impossible to be perfect. This knowledge can lead the out of control perfectionist to postpone starting or finishing work because they know the end result probably won’t be flawless. In the end, this means nothing actually gets accomplished, while the perfectionist waits for the perfect moment and perfect conditions.

While you are waiting for everything to be just right, perfectionism make be making you sick and miserable. Perfectionists tend to have more than their share of anxiety, migraines, depression and chronic pain conditions. Yet, they can be reluctant to seek medical help until their symptoms are unbearable for fear of looking weak or deficient.

It may not make you look weak, but perfectionism can make you look hard, harsh and unforgiving. Perfectionists who try to hold others to their own impossible standards make difficult partners and bosses. They come across as being unreasonable and mean, or completely out of touch with how things function in the real world. Colleagues, friends and family may begin to avoid these nitpickers, and this isolation can further unnerve the perfectionists causing them to become even more committed to their goal of being perfect, sometimes triggering depression and anxiety.

Just hearing “nobody’s perfect” or “we all make mistakes” is not enough to reset the perfectionist’s brain. They already know, on an intellectual level, that mistakes are a normal part of life and absolute perfection is impossible. Yet, that doesn’t change how they feel. Perfection holds the promise of acceptance, respect, and even love in the mind of the perfectionist. It’s going to take more than a slogan to shift this kind of thinking. If you are a perfectionist and want to change, what can you do?

Start by trying to understand perfectionism in general and your own perfectionist tendencies. There’s a lot of good literature as well as interesting video available. In addition to Brene’ Brown, look at the comments from Charley Haversat or Dr. Martin M. Antony. Not everyone defines perfectionism in the same way, and it can be helpful to look at a few definitions and ask if any of them ring true for you. Honestly assess whether your need to be perfect is a problem for you or those around you.

Realize that your past is not your present and should not be your future. Many perfectionists are created in the crucible of a demanding family or inflexible school system. As an adult you are in charge of running your life. You may need to work with a coach or therapist, but you can set your own reasonable standards. Make sure the voice in your head evaluating your expectations is one you respect and not just an echo from childhood.

Recognize the difference between the quest for excellence and perfectionism. Moving away from perfectionism does not mean that we settle for sloppy, sub-standard and poor quality work as the norm. You do not have to give up your (reasonable) high standards. Progress requires trial and error, and the willingness to be wrong. Staying in your safe zone to avoid mistakes is going to severely limit your opportunities. However, totally abandoning any expectation of superior quality work can have the same career stalling impact. Real effort that results in excellence is still a commendable way to live. The key to recovering from perfectionism is to learn to accept mistakes as natural and neutral, then and only then can you advance to learning from them and even valuing their existence.

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Source by Karen Southall Watts