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Although the first reaction to a spouse’s blue mood or their medically diagnosed depression may be to walk on eggshells around them, when you start that pattern it can be a difficult one to break later. And meanwhile, you will build resentment inside about how you are having to coddle their moods while no one takes care of yours. Instead, there are several alternatives available to you that should help bring relief to your challenging situation.

If you have already gotten into the habit of snapping at your spouse or urging them to cheer up, please take a moment to calm down. After you have a chance to think through the futility of treating the depressed partner like they are purposefully being difficult, you will probably be able to let go of some of your frustration about the situation.

No one wants to have to be around an unhappy or depressed person for prolonged periods of time, and it’s natural that you have built up a lot of tension inside about this. Take a moment to realize you’ve been reacting to a tough setup that no one would willingly choose. Now consider how you would wish for them to treat you if you were the one suddenly brought low by circumstances or illness. This compassion will help you greatly in the days to come.

Although it is commendable to treat your partner with patience and kindness, you may feel the need for more techniques to fall back on when your frustration level rises. Here are a few tips or tricks that you may find useful:

Don’t suffer in silence and carry the burden alone. It used to be that families were so ashamed of depression that they would keep the fact of it hidden from neighbors and friends, and the spouse would put on a cheerful front at all times. When you constantly lie to cover up, however, the strain on you will get worse, and you may end up needing medical care yourself to cope with your own stress.

Instead of keeping it a deep dark secret, confide in a close friend or two so that you can get support for your own feelings. Let someone know what’s going on, and that you might need a shoulder to cry on now and then, or someone to vent with. As long as you don’t carry it to an extreme of talking non-stop day after day about problems, it is healthy and useful to let off steam so you can stay balanced.

Be sure to give yourself breaks away from the depressed person. If you are both at home most of the time, get out for an hour or two on your own even if only to go to the grocery store. Rather than dashing to do your errands and racing back home to check on your spouse’s condition, force yourself to linger at the store. Stop at a park on the way home and go for a walk or sit in the car listening to the radio if the weather is inclement. Avoid turning yourself into a prisoner of your spouse’s condition.

Another tendency that can turn into a trap, is the desire to cure or fix your spouse. And thus, you spend long hours researching their symptom online or reading all the magazine articles and books you could find at the bookstore or library. You turn yourself into a combination of your spouse’s doctor and social director. In this dual role, you scold them about taking any prescribed medication or vitamins, and nag them to get dressed and call a friend to get together.

It is easy to start feeling responsible for your partner’s health, because you probably see the future of your marriage going downhill with their decline. But when you take charge, you set yourself up to be resented by your spouse and to be angry when he or she doesn’t follow your suggestions. A better solution is to get outside help from professionals in the medical and nutrition community.

Make a list of your own questions, and get some advice for how to handle these issues and any other concerns that may arise such as side effects of some drugs prescribed commonly for depression. Take charge of what you can do for yourself, and practice the principles of tough love with your spouse. That means you will give loving and kind messages, but you remove yourself from their vicinity if they get angry or are abusive to you.

Protect yourself from harm at all times, and if there are children in the home be sure to consider their needs as well. Avoid the temptation to tell them that the depressed parent is just in a bad mood today and will snap out of it. Also avoid making them your confidantes and complaining about matters best left private between you and your spouse. Make sure your kids understand that depression is an illness, and give them the tools they need to treat their sick parent with kindness and love, rather than scorn or contempt.

If you notice that your spouse’s depression is lingering or is getting worse, please don’t hesitate to contact a health professional for more advice about your specific situation.

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Source by Evelyn Roberts Brooks